Confused

Ok, so it's been awhile, I know. Not a lot has changed, just working, a lot. Currently, there are times that I go for weeks without a day off. I don't mind, usually. It gives me something to do, makes me a little monies.

I think fear is getting the better of me. Like it always does, and I'm not talking spiders. I think I sell myself short in a lot of areas. I'm currently re-thinking event planning. After talking about it for so long, and being so sure of myself, I don't know what direction I'm being led anymore. I can be very creative. But I don't design weddings in my head. If I see something that inspires me, my mind immediately goes "ooh, how can I make this into a cake". I'm just so confused. I have no idea what I'm doing, just like always.

I want to create. I see things that inspire me, and I want to create, something. I don't know what, most of the time, just something. I can't draw or sketch, or sculpt or paint, I just need to find my niche. Maybe it is cake. Maybe it's been staring me in the face for the last 2 1/2 years. Whatev. Sorry I'm thinking out loud. Hopefully, some of my ideas will come to life soon, and then maybe just maybe I'll make some headway.

Resolution:Change

A few days ago, this post probably would have been depressing. Luckily, I'm in a great mood and feeling really great about 2011. So far in 2011, I have paid off my car and made the first payment towards my event planning certification. It's only taken me 3.5 years. For both. It's an amazing feeling. I literally had tears in my eyes after pushing the 'submit payment' button for both things. My bank account is considerably smaller currently, but I'm ok with that.

I went to BreakThru again this year, and it was awesome, as always. I know I will be on this 'church high' for a while and that eventually it will fade, but right now I feel great. I think God has some awesome things in store for me this year, I just have to let go of the garbage of my past, and hit the reset button. The only new years resolution I'm going to make is, change. So many areas of my life need it right now, I've just got to let everything go. Everything from my past that has been holding me back for so long. I know that it is easier said than done. I've truly got a lot of issues that need to be worked through. I probably need help working through them, but I have to do it. For me. Not for anyone else. I can't hide behind taking care of everyone else all the time. This year I have to focus on me. That might sound selfish, but I can't try to take care of anyone else until I have me taken care of. I will be able to take care of others better once I do.

Letting go is one of the most difficult things. I've been trying to let go of things for years, but I haven't been able to do it. My weight, quitting school and everything that comes with it, are just a couple things that have to be dealt with.

My weight has its own 50 issues that have to be dealt with. I think in my past I have subconsciously sabotaged myself when it came to losing weight. So many times I have been on a roll, losing weight, eating right, and feeling good, and then I quit. I come up with 10,000 excuses and stop. I think I'm scared of being someone I've never been, someone thin. I've got to stop that though. I can't let my fear win. I need to be proud of the person I am right now. God created me beautifully, yet I have never been able to see it. I pray right now that I can let go of all of my reservations and become the person He created me to be, to not be scared of what lies ahead, to accept myself for who I am right now, and not who I think I ought to be.

I would love some extra prayers. I have so much to be hopeful for right now, but I can't do it on my own. Please, all three of you that read this, hold me accountable. Text me, call me, facebook me, whatever, ask me how I'm doing. Don't expect a cookie cutter answer though. I want to be real and not put on the mask I've been putting on my entire life. That's going to be difficult for me to do, but I have to. I'm so ready to step out of the shadows and be the leading lady of my own life. I'm tired of being the best friend and taking care of everyone else.

Thanks for listening.

Love, Grace, and Peace,

Jayna

Been awhile...

So, it's been awhile since I've blogged. Different reasons I guess. I've been incredibly busy, barely at home, but I guess I'm also a little ashamed. I haven't blogged since my 5k. (Probably going to be a random conglomeration of mumblings)

I don't really know how to describe it. I'm proud of myself that I finished, but that's about it. It sucked, I'm not gonna lie. I thought after I finished it I would have the bug to do another one, or keep going with my workouts, but I haven't. I haven't really worked out since. I mean I try to be active when I can, but I haven't really set apart time to work-out. It's ridiculous, I know. My weight loss journey seems to be at a standstill. I can't find the motivation to keep going, for one reason or another. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I feel so alone in this battle. It's just like it was at the beginning of this year. I worked out for a little while, then I quit. The feelings I had in January were so positive, it was going to be different this time. I was going to be 100 pounds lighter by Christmas. Here it is almost Thanksgiving, and I've barely lost anything more than the first 20 pounds. I know it needs to be more than weight loss though. It needs to be complete lifestyle change. One week, I'll do really great, and the next it's shot to hell. It's such a roller coaster.

On another note, I am so ready to move-out and have my own place. I love my parents, but living at home with them, I don't always feel like the adult I am. I feel smothered sometimes, dependent, on them, when I am trying to be independent. I'm hoping in the spring, I just might be able to afford it. We'll see.

I've also felt really lonely lately. I'm constantly surrounded by family and friends that I adore, but I can't wait til I find something more. Unfortunately, I fear that that won't happen until I'm 130 pounds lighter. I'm just a friend. To anyone and everyone I'm always in the friend zone, no one sees me as dating material. I am a great catch though. Any guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend. I know God has a plan. He has someone spectacular planned for me, I just wish he would make an appearance.

Ok, enough of the depressing blog. Despite all that I've mentioned, life really isn't all that bad right now. There is a lot of crap hitting my family all at once, but we're getting through. We always do. I'm getting more hours at work, my car is almost paid off, and I have been able to hang-out and meet a few new friends. I know everything will get better, I just have so much going on inside right now that's hard to deal with. I'll get through, I know I will. I have God by my side and He has more love for than anyone could even begin to fathom.

Love, Grace, and Peace,

Jayna

Great Day!

Today was a very good day. I kicked today in the ask. At least on the treadmill I did. Today I did C25K W4D2. This is the very same point in the program that I quit at, back in February. I quit right in the middle of that run. Not today. No siree bob. I beat it. I know it's not over yet. I still have a very long way to go, especially since I feel like I will probably need to repeat most of the weeks at least once, but I'm getting there. That's what counts. I haven't dropped a lot of weight yet. I'm still working on some other things that need changing, but it's all getting better. Very soon I hope that I will be unrecognizable both in body and spirit. I am changing. I have to keep changing. I still have many hurdles to jump over, mostly emotional and mental ones, but I will overcome them, no matter how long it takes.

I'm running a 5K in 3 weeks! Ahhh! I'm excited and nervous. But, I'm also a little sad. I haven't raised the money I'm supposed to yet, and it's not for a lack of trying. Wouldn't you like to help me out? Go to my very own donation page and it 's easy!


Proverbs 3: 3, 5-6 : Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart....Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Weird...

Tonight, I don't know how to describe my mood. It's weird. Not happy, not sad, maybe somewhere in between? I don't know. I've got lots of things swirling around in my brain, and I don't know if I'm depressed or what.

I started my day with the C25K W3D1. It kind of sucked. I knew it would get to this point, where it wasn't as simple and easy as the last two weeks of the program have been. I didn't have trouble where I thought I would though. It wasn't my breathing, like it was when I first did the program. My legs started cramping pretty early. I'm guessing it's because I've lost muscle in calves maybe. When I first started the program, I had only been away from TGIFridays for about a month. My jobs since then, have not required me to be on my feet the entire time. Not that I remain seated all the time, but I am definitely not on my feet as much as I was. I also have not been doing anything on the in between days. When I did the program the first time, I was also doing other workouts the days I didn't run, that included lots of leg work. It's probably a combination of multiple things. Maybe my head hasn't been in the game as much. Who knows.

I did get to hangout with Pax and Asher today. Those boys are definitely the bright spots in my day, week, life. No matter what mood I'm in, those boys put a smile on my face.

I'm having doubts about what my life is supposed to become. I want to be this awesome wedding planner, but in the back of my head, is that really what I want? I've always got this voice that puts the doubt in so many of my decisions. Puts doubt in my actions. Makes me lose what little confidence I have in myself. Though I cannot explain it, I have a fear of success. I don't understand it, but I know that that's what it boils down to.

I know I'm having a difficult time letting go and giving the reins of my life over to God. He's made me this amazing person, yet most of the time I cannot see it. I know I have not yet come even close to living to my full potential, I'm standing in my own way.

Ok, slightly depressing. I apologize.

Grace, Peace, Love,

Jayna

I Cheated.....

.....and weighed myself early. For the last couple weeks, I have been eating better, not fantastic, but better, but I was still eating snacks and sweets. I was also not drinking as much water as I am now (about 3.5 liters a day) and I hadn't started working-out.

Monday, I re-started the C25K (for about the fifteenth time :P) and I weighed myself. Monday is also when I started cutting out sweets and snacks. I have had one snack since then, and it was a good one. Healthy, rather than unhealthy. Well, I cheated. I weighed myself 3 days early and.....I've lost 3.5 pounds!!! In 4 days!! Which means I've lost 18 pounds in 2.5 months, with a 6- month sabbatical between then and now, lol. Now, I know this is really fast, and I have to watch myself, but it's amazing what simple changes in your life can do. I had only worked out twice, on Monday and Tuesday, (would've worked out yesterday, but I gave blood Wednesday night and you're supposed to wait 24 hrs.) when I weighed myself. I did the W1D3 of C25K today. I feel great!

So I'm really excited about this 5K. It's on October 9th. That's about eight weeks from tomorrow I think, which is kind of scary. That also means that I need to stick as close to the C25K routine as possible, since it's a 9-week program and I started this week. I know I can do it, though I know it will be tough. I think I'm going to try and do it four days a week instead of 3, and hopefully that will help. Don't worry, if I feel like my body is being strained too much for the 4, than I will cut it back down to three.

Dad has also lost weight! He's lost nearly 20 pounds in 3 weeks!! He's started drinking a lot more water and cut out almost all soda. He has also had a few shifts unloading the truck at work (AutoZone), so on those days he's been lifting and moving really heavy car parts for around 10 hours a day. Even when he's not doing the truck, he may be moving parts or batteries all day, which helps a lot. Go us.

Ok, peeps. I hate to ask, wait no, I don't. It's for a great cause, Komen foundation. I have not gotten a single donation, other than my own, for the Race for the Cure. My personal goal is $125, though I would love to raise a lot more. With my donation, I only need $90 to reach it. It's 2 months away, I know I can beat this goal. I need your help! Please support me, and help me with this cause! Here's the link to my personal donation page. Thanks for your support!

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Starting Over....Again

Did anyone see the sunset tonight? It was gorgeous! So many blues and pinks.

Well, I did it. I restarted the Couch to 5k today. It sucked. Like it did the first time, but I feel good. I forgot how good I really do feel after a work-out, even a short 30 minute one. I have more energy and everything just feels right. Endorphins are a powerful thing.

I've still got a long way to go, but I'm going to make it. I think I'm finally realizing (with some help) that weight loss is not the true goal. I believe it will be a benefit of lifestyle changes that ARE happening and HAVE to happen in my life. The true goal is living my life in a way that I feel good about. Eating healthy. Staying active. Changing myself without trying to change those around me. Stop taking care of everyone around me and take care of myself for once. In order to be the person I know I can become, I have to be a little selfish and take care of me first.

Anyways, just a short one tonight. Have a spectacular evening!

Grace, Love, Peace,

Jayna