Been awhile...

So, it's been awhile since I've blogged. Different reasons I guess. I've been incredibly busy, barely at home, but I guess I'm also a little ashamed. I haven't blogged since my 5k. (Probably going to be a random conglomeration of mumblings)

I don't really know how to describe it. I'm proud of myself that I finished, but that's about it. It sucked, I'm not gonna lie. I thought after I finished it I would have the bug to do another one, or keep going with my workouts, but I haven't. I haven't really worked out since. I mean I try to be active when I can, but I haven't really set apart time to work-out. It's ridiculous, I know. My weight loss journey seems to be at a standstill. I can't find the motivation to keep going, for one reason or another. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I feel so alone in this battle. It's just like it was at the beginning of this year. I worked out for a little while, then I quit. The feelings I had in January were so positive, it was going to be different this time. I was going to be 100 pounds lighter by Christmas. Here it is almost Thanksgiving, and I've barely lost anything more than the first 20 pounds. I know it needs to be more than weight loss though. It needs to be complete lifestyle change. One week, I'll do really great, and the next it's shot to hell. It's such a roller coaster.

On another note, I am so ready to move-out and have my own place. I love my parents, but living at home with them, I don't always feel like the adult I am. I feel smothered sometimes, dependent, on them, when I am trying to be independent. I'm hoping in the spring, I just might be able to afford it. We'll see.

I've also felt really lonely lately. I'm constantly surrounded by family and friends that I adore, but I can't wait til I find something more. Unfortunately, I fear that that won't happen until I'm 130 pounds lighter. I'm just a friend. To anyone and everyone I'm always in the friend zone, no one sees me as dating material. I am a great catch though. Any guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend. I know God has a plan. He has someone spectacular planned for me, I just wish he would make an appearance.

Ok, enough of the depressing blog. Despite all that I've mentioned, life really isn't all that bad right now. There is a lot of crap hitting my family all at once, but we're getting through. We always do. I'm getting more hours at work, my car is almost paid off, and I have been able to hang-out and meet a few new friends. I know everything will get better, I just have so much going on inside right now that's hard to deal with. I'll get through, I know I will. I have God by my side and He has more love for than anyone could even begin to fathom.

Love, Grace, and Peace,

Jayna

Great Day!

Today was a very good day. I kicked today in the ask. At least on the treadmill I did. Today I did C25K W4D2. This is the very same point in the program that I quit at, back in February. I quit right in the middle of that run. Not today. No siree bob. I beat it. I know it's not over yet. I still have a very long way to go, especially since I feel like I will probably need to repeat most of the weeks at least once, but I'm getting there. That's what counts. I haven't dropped a lot of weight yet. I'm still working on some other things that need changing, but it's all getting better. Very soon I hope that I will be unrecognizable both in body and spirit. I am changing. I have to keep changing. I still have many hurdles to jump over, mostly emotional and mental ones, but I will overcome them, no matter how long it takes.

I'm running a 5K in 3 weeks! Ahhh! I'm excited and nervous. But, I'm also a little sad. I haven't raised the money I'm supposed to yet, and it's not for a lack of trying. Wouldn't you like to help me out? Go to my very own donation page and it 's easy!


Proverbs 3: 3, 5-6 : Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart....Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Weird...

Tonight, I don't know how to describe my mood. It's weird. Not happy, not sad, maybe somewhere in between? I don't know. I've got lots of things swirling around in my brain, and I don't know if I'm depressed or what.

I started my day with the C25K W3D1. It kind of sucked. I knew it would get to this point, where it wasn't as simple and easy as the last two weeks of the program have been. I didn't have trouble where I thought I would though. It wasn't my breathing, like it was when I first did the program. My legs started cramping pretty early. I'm guessing it's because I've lost muscle in calves maybe. When I first started the program, I had only been away from TGIFridays for about a month. My jobs since then, have not required me to be on my feet the entire time. Not that I remain seated all the time, but I am definitely not on my feet as much as I was. I also have not been doing anything on the in between days. When I did the program the first time, I was also doing other workouts the days I didn't run, that included lots of leg work. It's probably a combination of multiple things. Maybe my head hasn't been in the game as much. Who knows.

I did get to hangout with Pax and Asher today. Those boys are definitely the bright spots in my day, week, life. No matter what mood I'm in, those boys put a smile on my face.

I'm having doubts about what my life is supposed to become. I want to be this awesome wedding planner, but in the back of my head, is that really what I want? I've always got this voice that puts the doubt in so many of my decisions. Puts doubt in my actions. Makes me lose what little confidence I have in myself. Though I cannot explain it, I have a fear of success. I don't understand it, but I know that that's what it boils down to.

I know I'm having a difficult time letting go and giving the reins of my life over to God. He's made me this amazing person, yet most of the time I cannot see it. I know I have not yet come even close to living to my full potential, I'm standing in my own way.

Ok, slightly depressing. I apologize.

Grace, Peace, Love,

Jayna

I Cheated.....

.....and weighed myself early. For the last couple weeks, I have been eating better, not fantastic, but better, but I was still eating snacks and sweets. I was also not drinking as much water as I am now (about 3.5 liters a day) and I hadn't started working-out.

Monday, I re-started the C25K (for about the fifteenth time :P) and I weighed myself. Monday is also when I started cutting out sweets and snacks. I have had one snack since then, and it was a good one. Healthy, rather than unhealthy. Well, I cheated. I weighed myself 3 days early and.....I've lost 3.5 pounds!!! In 4 days!! Which means I've lost 18 pounds in 2.5 months, with a 6- month sabbatical between then and now, lol. Now, I know this is really fast, and I have to watch myself, but it's amazing what simple changes in your life can do. I had only worked out twice, on Monday and Tuesday, (would've worked out yesterday, but I gave blood Wednesday night and you're supposed to wait 24 hrs.) when I weighed myself. I did the W1D3 of C25K today. I feel great!

So I'm really excited about this 5K. It's on October 9th. That's about eight weeks from tomorrow I think, which is kind of scary. That also means that I need to stick as close to the C25K routine as possible, since it's a 9-week program and I started this week. I know I can do it, though I know it will be tough. I think I'm going to try and do it four days a week instead of 3, and hopefully that will help. Don't worry, if I feel like my body is being strained too much for the 4, than I will cut it back down to three.

Dad has also lost weight! He's lost nearly 20 pounds in 3 weeks!! He's started drinking a lot more water and cut out almost all soda. He has also had a few shifts unloading the truck at work (AutoZone), so on those days he's been lifting and moving really heavy car parts for around 10 hours a day. Even when he's not doing the truck, he may be moving parts or batteries all day, which helps a lot. Go us.

Ok, peeps. I hate to ask, wait no, I don't. It's for a great cause, Komen foundation. I have not gotten a single donation, other than my own, for the Race for the Cure. My personal goal is $125, though I would love to raise a lot more. With my donation, I only need $90 to reach it. It's 2 months away, I know I can beat this goal. I need your help! Please support me, and help me with this cause! Here's the link to my personal donation page. Thanks for your support!

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Starting Over....Again

Did anyone see the sunset tonight? It was gorgeous! So many blues and pinks.

Well, I did it. I restarted the Couch to 5k today. It sucked. Like it did the first time, but I feel good. I forgot how good I really do feel after a work-out, even a short 30 minute one. I have more energy and everything just feels right. Endorphins are a powerful thing.

I've still got a long way to go, but I'm going to make it. I think I'm finally realizing (with some help) that weight loss is not the true goal. I believe it will be a benefit of lifestyle changes that ARE happening and HAVE to happen in my life. The true goal is living my life in a way that I feel good about. Eating healthy. Staying active. Changing myself without trying to change those around me. Stop taking care of everyone around me and take care of myself for once. In order to be the person I know I can become, I have to be a little selfish and take care of me first.

Anyways, just a short one tonight. Have a spectacular evening!

Grace, Love, Peace,

Jayna

Getting in gear

It's official. I'm registered for my very first 5k race. I'm running the Komen foundation Race for the Cure, in Brentwood, on October 9th. Let's hope my niece doesn't decide to get here on that day.

I had a rough 24 hours, starting Thursday night. I had had a good night up until late that evening. I went out. I heard some good live music for a great cause. Again I'll say it, I went out. I never go out. Usually because I'm broke, but also because, well, I just don't get invited out a lot. Anywho, after I got home something set me off, and I was in tears the rest of the night. I went to bed early, my eyes tired and red. Next morning, I woke up early. I knew I was still in a funk, so I thought that I would go restart the C25K that morning, and it would help. Nope it didn't help. I have a podcast with the program on it that I listen to; I had done the warm up walk, two run/walk intervals and started on the third. During the third, the person doing the podcast is giving a peptalk, and says one phrase that ends it for me, "Don't give up on yourself." That was it. That tiny little phrase had me bawling my eyes out and jumping off the treadmill.

Now, I'm not exactly sure why it set me off the way it did (ok, so I do, they're called hormones), but the rest of the day was off after that. I cried quite a bit before work, but was able to pull it together for the rest of the day. I'm used to these meltdowns. They happen every 2-3 months, or more, and I know I was overdue for one. I bottle up a lot of emotions and hide them from everyone around me. I guess I bottle it up because my problems are minuscule compared to others in this world. I have a great family, awesome friends, and so much to be thankful for.

Anyways, got a little off track. "Don't give up on yourself." Those words just spoke to me in the middle of that interval. I can't describe how they made me feel. I just feel like I give up on myself so easily. I can do well for a little while, but then my routine gets interrupted and I quit. I don't get it. I don't know why I can't pick up the pieces and pick up where I left off.

I just feel like I'm feeling around in the dark right now. I have no clue where my life will be in a year. I have goals, and hopes for it, but whether they will amount to anything or not, it's hard to say. I have a fear that I won't feel whole, won't be happy. Right now, there is a hole in my heart, waiting for something, waiting for my life to really begin. There are things that make me happy in my life, sure, but I don't think that I am truly happy.

Anyways, my 24th birthday is in six months. I have a few goals.

1. Lose 45 pounds.

2. Have a plan for moving out on my own

3. Get the ball rolling on my Wedding Consultant Certification.

Those are just a few, but I hope and pray they are attainable. By registering for the Race for the Cure, I'm hoping that I will stay motivated, and keep working on the C25K. I want to run it, if not all then most of it. I am restarting the C25K program tomorrow, for the bazillionth time. I have to do this for myself. I need to finish something that I'm proud of.

Since I'm running the Race for the Cure, I'm also fundraising for the Komen foundation. Would love to have your support and/or donations!

I hope to blog more in the upcoming future, hopefully a couple times a week after I run, just to check in.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

It's Been Awhile....

Hey guys. Sorry I suck at posting. Long story short, I haven't really done anything since April regarding weight loss or training or anything. I knew this was going to be the most difficult battle I've faced, and it's totally true. Staying motivated is the hardest thing ever. I haven't run a 5k or finished my training program. I haven't eaten right, though I'm getting better. I'm being totally honest here with you, so maybe it'll help me be honest with myself. I make excuses for myself, and I don't get it. I know that I've been sabotaging myself. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why I am afraid of success. It doesn't make sense, but something deep down inside that I haven't figured out yet is causing me to do this to myself.

In January, and into February, I lost 15 pounds. I haven't gained it back, but I haven't lost anymore. I think I burned myself out too quickly. I just don't get it. It felt so good, when people could tell that I had lost weight and when some of my clothes fit me better or were too big. Whatever my deal is, I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out.

Again, I'm planning on re-dedicating myself to this again. As soon as I have some extra money, I'm registering for the Race for the Cure in Brentwood on October 9th. Maybe registering for an event will help me stick with it this time. I'm setting more goals for myself. Some are short-term, some long-term. I turn 24 at the end of January, that's about 6 months away. They aren't just weight-loss goals either. They're life goals.

- Lose over 50lbs

- Have a plan for moving out

- Start my wedding planning certification class

- Have a savings account, with money in it

There are a few more, but those are the big ones. I really think moving out is really important right now. As much as I love my parents, I feel like living at home has been detrimental to my weight loss.

Alright, guess that's it for now. Hopefully I will continue to blog more often. Again, prayers and encouragement are greatly appreciated. I'm really trying to get my life on track and organized, but it's really difficult doing it on my own.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna