Confused

Ok, so it's been awhile, I know. Not a lot has changed, just working, a lot. Currently, there are times that I go for weeks without a day off. I don't mind, usually. It gives me something to do, makes me a little monies.

I think fear is getting the better of me. Like it always does, and I'm not talking spiders. I think I sell myself short in a lot of areas. I'm currently re-thinking event planning. After talking about it for so long, and being so sure of myself, I don't know what direction I'm being led anymore. I can be very creative. But I don't design weddings in my head. If I see something that inspires me, my mind immediately goes "ooh, how can I make this into a cake". I'm just so confused. I have no idea what I'm doing, just like always.

I want to create. I see things that inspire me, and I want to create, something. I don't know what, most of the time, just something. I can't draw or sketch, or sculpt or paint, I just need to find my niche. Maybe it is cake. Maybe it's been staring me in the face for the last 2 1/2 years. Whatev. Sorry I'm thinking out loud. Hopefully, some of my ideas will come to life soon, and then maybe just maybe I'll make some headway.

Resolution:Change

A few days ago, this post probably would have been depressing. Luckily, I'm in a great mood and feeling really great about 2011. So far in 2011, I have paid off my car and made the first payment towards my event planning certification. It's only taken me 3.5 years. For both. It's an amazing feeling. I literally had tears in my eyes after pushing the 'submit payment' button for both things. My bank account is considerably smaller currently, but I'm ok with that.

I went to BreakThru again this year, and it was awesome, as always. I know I will be on this 'church high' for a while and that eventually it will fade, but right now I feel great. I think God has some awesome things in store for me this year, I just have to let go of the garbage of my past, and hit the reset button. The only new years resolution I'm going to make is, change. So many areas of my life need it right now, I've just got to let everything go. Everything from my past that has been holding me back for so long. I know that it is easier said than done. I've truly got a lot of issues that need to be worked through. I probably need help working through them, but I have to do it. For me. Not for anyone else. I can't hide behind taking care of everyone else all the time. This year I have to focus on me. That might sound selfish, but I can't try to take care of anyone else until I have me taken care of. I will be able to take care of others better once I do.

Letting go is one of the most difficult things. I've been trying to let go of things for years, but I haven't been able to do it. My weight, quitting school and everything that comes with it, are just a couple things that have to be dealt with.

My weight has its own 50 issues that have to be dealt with. I think in my past I have subconsciously sabotaged myself when it came to losing weight. So many times I have been on a roll, losing weight, eating right, and feeling good, and then I quit. I come up with 10,000 excuses and stop. I think I'm scared of being someone I've never been, someone thin. I've got to stop that though. I can't let my fear win. I need to be proud of the person I am right now. God created me beautifully, yet I have never been able to see it. I pray right now that I can let go of all of my reservations and become the person He created me to be, to not be scared of what lies ahead, to accept myself for who I am right now, and not who I think I ought to be.

I would love some extra prayers. I have so much to be hopeful for right now, but I can't do it on my own. Please, all three of you that read this, hold me accountable. Text me, call me, facebook me, whatever, ask me how I'm doing. Don't expect a cookie cutter answer though. I want to be real and not put on the mask I've been putting on my entire life. That's going to be difficult for me to do, but I have to. I'm so ready to step out of the shadows and be the leading lady of my own life. I'm tired of being the best friend and taking care of everyone else.

Thanks for listening.

Love, Grace, and Peace,

Jayna