Been awhile...

So, it's been awhile since I've blogged. Different reasons I guess. I've been incredibly busy, barely at home, but I guess I'm also a little ashamed. I haven't blogged since my 5k. (Probably going to be a random conglomeration of mumblings)

I don't really know how to describe it. I'm proud of myself that I finished, but that's about it. It sucked, I'm not gonna lie. I thought after I finished it I would have the bug to do another one, or keep going with my workouts, but I haven't. I haven't really worked out since. I mean I try to be active when I can, but I haven't really set apart time to work-out. It's ridiculous, I know. My weight loss journey seems to be at a standstill. I can't find the motivation to keep going, for one reason or another. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I feel so alone in this battle. It's just like it was at the beginning of this year. I worked out for a little while, then I quit. The feelings I had in January were so positive, it was going to be different this time. I was going to be 100 pounds lighter by Christmas. Here it is almost Thanksgiving, and I've barely lost anything more than the first 20 pounds. I know it needs to be more than weight loss though. It needs to be complete lifestyle change. One week, I'll do really great, and the next it's shot to hell. It's such a roller coaster.

On another note, I am so ready to move-out and have my own place. I love my parents, but living at home with them, I don't always feel like the adult I am. I feel smothered sometimes, dependent, on them, when I am trying to be independent. I'm hoping in the spring, I just might be able to afford it. We'll see.

I've also felt really lonely lately. I'm constantly surrounded by family and friends that I adore, but I can't wait til I find something more. Unfortunately, I fear that that won't happen until I'm 130 pounds lighter. I'm just a friend. To anyone and everyone I'm always in the friend zone, no one sees me as dating material. I am a great catch though. Any guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend. I know God has a plan. He has someone spectacular planned for me, I just wish he would make an appearance.

Ok, enough of the depressing blog. Despite all that I've mentioned, life really isn't all that bad right now. There is a lot of crap hitting my family all at once, but we're getting through. We always do. I'm getting more hours at work, my car is almost paid off, and I have been able to hang-out and meet a few new friends. I know everything will get better, I just have so much going on inside right now that's hard to deal with. I'll get through, I know I will. I have God by my side and He has more love for than anyone could even begin to fathom.

Love, Grace, and Peace,

Jayna

Great Day!

Today was a very good day. I kicked today in the ask. At least on the treadmill I did. Today I did C25K W4D2. This is the very same point in the program that I quit at, back in February. I quit right in the middle of that run. Not today. No siree bob. I beat it. I know it's not over yet. I still have a very long way to go, especially since I feel like I will probably need to repeat most of the weeks at least once, but I'm getting there. That's what counts. I haven't dropped a lot of weight yet. I'm still working on some other things that need changing, but it's all getting better. Very soon I hope that I will be unrecognizable both in body and spirit. I am changing. I have to keep changing. I still have many hurdles to jump over, mostly emotional and mental ones, but I will overcome them, no matter how long it takes.

I'm running a 5K in 3 weeks! Ahhh! I'm excited and nervous. But, I'm also a little sad. I haven't raised the money I'm supposed to yet, and it's not for a lack of trying. Wouldn't you like to help me out? Go to my very own donation page and it 's easy!


Proverbs 3: 3, 5-6 : Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart....Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Weird...

Tonight, I don't know how to describe my mood. It's weird. Not happy, not sad, maybe somewhere in between? I don't know. I've got lots of things swirling around in my brain, and I don't know if I'm depressed or what.

I started my day with the C25K W3D1. It kind of sucked. I knew it would get to this point, where it wasn't as simple and easy as the last two weeks of the program have been. I didn't have trouble where I thought I would though. It wasn't my breathing, like it was when I first did the program. My legs started cramping pretty early. I'm guessing it's because I've lost muscle in calves maybe. When I first started the program, I had only been away from TGIFridays for about a month. My jobs since then, have not required me to be on my feet the entire time. Not that I remain seated all the time, but I am definitely not on my feet as much as I was. I also have not been doing anything on the in between days. When I did the program the first time, I was also doing other workouts the days I didn't run, that included lots of leg work. It's probably a combination of multiple things. Maybe my head hasn't been in the game as much. Who knows.

I did get to hangout with Pax and Asher today. Those boys are definitely the bright spots in my day, week, life. No matter what mood I'm in, those boys put a smile on my face.

I'm having doubts about what my life is supposed to become. I want to be this awesome wedding planner, but in the back of my head, is that really what I want? I've always got this voice that puts the doubt in so many of my decisions. Puts doubt in my actions. Makes me lose what little confidence I have in myself. Though I cannot explain it, I have a fear of success. I don't understand it, but I know that that's what it boils down to.

I know I'm having a difficult time letting go and giving the reins of my life over to God. He's made me this amazing person, yet most of the time I cannot see it. I know I have not yet come even close to living to my full potential, I'm standing in my own way.

Ok, slightly depressing. I apologize.

Grace, Peace, Love,

Jayna

I Cheated.....

.....and weighed myself early. For the last couple weeks, I have been eating better, not fantastic, but better, but I was still eating snacks and sweets. I was also not drinking as much water as I am now (about 3.5 liters a day) and I hadn't started working-out.

Monday, I re-started the C25K (for about the fifteenth time :P) and I weighed myself. Monday is also when I started cutting out sweets and snacks. I have had one snack since then, and it was a good one. Healthy, rather than unhealthy. Well, I cheated. I weighed myself 3 days early and.....I've lost 3.5 pounds!!! In 4 days!! Which means I've lost 18 pounds in 2.5 months, with a 6- month sabbatical between then and now, lol. Now, I know this is really fast, and I have to watch myself, but it's amazing what simple changes in your life can do. I had only worked out twice, on Monday and Tuesday, (would've worked out yesterday, but I gave blood Wednesday night and you're supposed to wait 24 hrs.) when I weighed myself. I did the W1D3 of C25K today. I feel great!

So I'm really excited about this 5K. It's on October 9th. That's about eight weeks from tomorrow I think, which is kind of scary. That also means that I need to stick as close to the C25K routine as possible, since it's a 9-week program and I started this week. I know I can do it, though I know it will be tough. I think I'm going to try and do it four days a week instead of 3, and hopefully that will help. Don't worry, if I feel like my body is being strained too much for the 4, than I will cut it back down to three.

Dad has also lost weight! He's lost nearly 20 pounds in 3 weeks!! He's started drinking a lot more water and cut out almost all soda. He has also had a few shifts unloading the truck at work (AutoZone), so on those days he's been lifting and moving really heavy car parts for around 10 hours a day. Even when he's not doing the truck, he may be moving parts or batteries all day, which helps a lot. Go us.

Ok, peeps. I hate to ask, wait no, I don't. It's for a great cause, Komen foundation. I have not gotten a single donation, other than my own, for the Race for the Cure. My personal goal is $125, though I would love to raise a lot more. With my donation, I only need $90 to reach it. It's 2 months away, I know I can beat this goal. I need your help! Please support me, and help me with this cause! Here's the link to my personal donation page. Thanks for your support!

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Starting Over....Again

Did anyone see the sunset tonight? It was gorgeous! So many blues and pinks.

Well, I did it. I restarted the Couch to 5k today. It sucked. Like it did the first time, but I feel good. I forgot how good I really do feel after a work-out, even a short 30 minute one. I have more energy and everything just feels right. Endorphins are a powerful thing.

I've still got a long way to go, but I'm going to make it. I think I'm finally realizing (with some help) that weight loss is not the true goal. I believe it will be a benefit of lifestyle changes that ARE happening and HAVE to happen in my life. The true goal is living my life in a way that I feel good about. Eating healthy. Staying active. Changing myself without trying to change those around me. Stop taking care of everyone around me and take care of myself for once. In order to be the person I know I can become, I have to be a little selfish and take care of me first.

Anyways, just a short one tonight. Have a spectacular evening!

Grace, Love, Peace,

Jayna

Getting in gear

It's official. I'm registered for my very first 5k race. I'm running the Komen foundation Race for the Cure, in Brentwood, on October 9th. Let's hope my niece doesn't decide to get here on that day.

I had a rough 24 hours, starting Thursday night. I had had a good night up until late that evening. I went out. I heard some good live music for a great cause. Again I'll say it, I went out. I never go out. Usually because I'm broke, but also because, well, I just don't get invited out a lot. Anywho, after I got home something set me off, and I was in tears the rest of the night. I went to bed early, my eyes tired and red. Next morning, I woke up early. I knew I was still in a funk, so I thought that I would go restart the C25K that morning, and it would help. Nope it didn't help. I have a podcast with the program on it that I listen to; I had done the warm up walk, two run/walk intervals and started on the third. During the third, the person doing the podcast is giving a peptalk, and says one phrase that ends it for me, "Don't give up on yourself." That was it. That tiny little phrase had me bawling my eyes out and jumping off the treadmill.

Now, I'm not exactly sure why it set me off the way it did (ok, so I do, they're called hormones), but the rest of the day was off after that. I cried quite a bit before work, but was able to pull it together for the rest of the day. I'm used to these meltdowns. They happen every 2-3 months, or more, and I know I was overdue for one. I bottle up a lot of emotions and hide them from everyone around me. I guess I bottle it up because my problems are minuscule compared to others in this world. I have a great family, awesome friends, and so much to be thankful for.

Anyways, got a little off track. "Don't give up on yourself." Those words just spoke to me in the middle of that interval. I can't describe how they made me feel. I just feel like I give up on myself so easily. I can do well for a little while, but then my routine gets interrupted and I quit. I don't get it. I don't know why I can't pick up the pieces and pick up where I left off.

I just feel like I'm feeling around in the dark right now. I have no clue where my life will be in a year. I have goals, and hopes for it, but whether they will amount to anything or not, it's hard to say. I have a fear that I won't feel whole, won't be happy. Right now, there is a hole in my heart, waiting for something, waiting for my life to really begin. There are things that make me happy in my life, sure, but I don't think that I am truly happy.

Anyways, my 24th birthday is in six months. I have a few goals.

1. Lose 45 pounds.

2. Have a plan for moving out on my own

3. Get the ball rolling on my Wedding Consultant Certification.

Those are just a few, but I hope and pray they are attainable. By registering for the Race for the Cure, I'm hoping that I will stay motivated, and keep working on the C25K. I want to run it, if not all then most of it. I am restarting the C25K program tomorrow, for the bazillionth time. I have to do this for myself. I need to finish something that I'm proud of.

Since I'm running the Race for the Cure, I'm also fundraising for the Komen foundation. Would love to have your support and/or donations!

I hope to blog more in the upcoming future, hopefully a couple times a week after I run, just to check in.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

It's Been Awhile....

Hey guys. Sorry I suck at posting. Long story short, I haven't really done anything since April regarding weight loss or training or anything. I knew this was going to be the most difficult battle I've faced, and it's totally true. Staying motivated is the hardest thing ever. I haven't run a 5k or finished my training program. I haven't eaten right, though I'm getting better. I'm being totally honest here with you, so maybe it'll help me be honest with myself. I make excuses for myself, and I don't get it. I know that I've been sabotaging myself. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why I am afraid of success. It doesn't make sense, but something deep down inside that I haven't figured out yet is causing me to do this to myself.

In January, and into February, I lost 15 pounds. I haven't gained it back, but I haven't lost anymore. I think I burned myself out too quickly. I just don't get it. It felt so good, when people could tell that I had lost weight and when some of my clothes fit me better or were too big. Whatever my deal is, I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out.

Again, I'm planning on re-dedicating myself to this again. As soon as I have some extra money, I'm registering for the Race for the Cure in Brentwood on October 9th. Maybe registering for an event will help me stick with it this time. I'm setting more goals for myself. Some are short-term, some long-term. I turn 24 at the end of January, that's about 6 months away. They aren't just weight-loss goals either. They're life goals.

- Lose over 50lbs

- Have a plan for moving out

- Start my wedding planning certification class

- Have a savings account, with money in it

There are a few more, but those are the big ones. I really think moving out is really important right now. As much as I love my parents, I feel like living at home has been detrimental to my weight loss.

Alright, guess that's it for now. Hopefully I will continue to blog more often. Again, prayers and encouragement are greatly appreciated. I'm really trying to get my life on track and organized, but it's really difficult doing it on my own.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Restart....Again, hopefully for good this time.

Hey guys. I'm sorry it's been awhile, almost 2 months! I haven't been blogging because I've been ashamed of what I haven't been doing. I have a lot of people that have told me that they were motivated by my determination, and I haven't had any determination in two months. It makes me sad and disappointed in myself.

The beginning of the year I was so motivated and worked out all the time, and I loved it. For some reason, I stopped pushing myself. I can't explain it, but I have to get past it. I have to get back to it. I'm so afraid that my goal of running a 5k NEXT month is going to pass me by. Unfortunately, I am going to have to start the Couch to 5k, almost all over again, but I'm going to do it. I have to. I have to change my environment to fit my needs.

Tonight, I caught up on this week's Biggest Loser. Contestants that had been eliminated were given another chance to go back to the campus. I feel like maybe this is my new chance. I feel like I was eliminated early in my own game, but I've got another chance to get back into it. It's a chance I have to take, and I might get eliminated again, but I will not fail, no matter how many chances it takes for me to get it. I still plan on running a marathon in a year. It's a very scary thought though, one year, and I have to start all over again. Ahhh!

Ok. Enough. Tomorrow morning, I'm back to it. I have to be, I don't have a choice. Thanks to everyone who reads my blog, you help motivate me! Please, if you don't mind, continue the encouragement. I really do need it. I know technically, I've got a people doing this with me, but I work-out alone, and sometimes it's difficult, especially because I get bored. Thanks for everything. Good luck in all of your endeavors!

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Weight Loss Bucket List

Today was great. I got back on track! I did the Couch to 5K, Week 4 Day 1. I didn't know if i would be able to do it. It was difficult and it sucked, especially towards the end, but I ran a total of 16 minutes! In intervals, run 3 walk 1.5, run 5 walk 2.5, and repeat. It felt so good!

Ok, so I was on Facebook and a friend who is also losing weight, posted on her status that she was going to make a weight loss bucket list. I thought this was an awesome idea, so I did one of my own. Here it is, things I want to do as I continue and when I'm done losing weight. I'm sure I will continue to add to this list as I think of new things and cross others off. I hope those of you who are going through a similar journey will do the same. I really think this will be a good motivator. I hope to have the first crossed off my list in May.

Weight Loss Bucket List

Run a 5K
Run a 10K
Run a ½ Marathon
Run a Marathon
Go Rock Climbing
Go Hiking
Take Ballroom Lessons
Wear A Size 8
Go Skydiving
Be Asked Out On A Date
Buy A Little Black Dress
Fly Somewhere
Be Confident in My Own Skin



Love and Grace,

Jayna

Singles Awareness Day

Ok, so usually Valentine's or Singles Awareness Day, doesn't bother me too much. This year is a little different I guess. I mean, I'm always aware that I'm single, so maybe it's not that different, lol. But I guess I've just been thinking about it too much today. I am a complete hopeless romantic. I know it will happen someday, but I wish that day were today. I feel like I have so much to share and offer someone, and I'm just waiting for the chance. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be the psycho clingy girlfriend or anything, I do wish I could get out of the friend zone though. I am lucky and I have some really great friends, mostly guys, but that's all I'll be. I wish that sometime I could meet someone that might think of me more than just a friend. Unfortunately, I fear that until I lose weight I will be seen as nothing else than the 'fat' friend. I'm so incredibly self-conscious of what my friends think of me. I'm more scared of what they think than I am of people I don't know, and it should be the opposite. Actually, it should be neither. I should only care what I think, but unfortunately, I don't see that happening.

I'm a freaking catch. I know I am, but no one can see past the outside. When I fall for someone, I usually fall flat on my face and get my heartbroken, but they usually don't know. I keep it bottled up from them, because no one could fall for someone like me. At least those are the thoughts in my head. Though it may not always be true, it's what it is most of the time.

My heart is so full and I'm so ready to share it with someone. Good music, good lyrics, a good movie, a good book, it all gets me going. I'm lonely. I have great friends, great family, great pets, but it doesn't matter, I still feel alone. Looking forward to the day I get share my life with someone.


Hope this doesn't sound like a crazy person wrote it (though we all know I'm a bit nuts, :P). I'm not looking for sympathy or anything of that sort, I just need to write and vent a little. Hoping you all have a great Valentine's day, full of love.

Love and Grace,

Jayna

Motivation

Hey all! Hope everyone is doing well on this day. I haven't posted for a couple weeks, but I've got a couple topics today, and I just really have a need to write in general today. Hopefully the blogs will suffice, but we shall see. I may have to do a writing prompt later. First, motivation.

For the month of January, I was incredibly motivated. I worked out at least six days a week, and I worked out pretty hard. I lost about ten pounds in January alone, and I've lost another three since. So 13 in all so far, and it feels good. For some reason though, this month, I have lost so much motivation. I have not been working out near as much, and my eating has been decent, except this past weekend.

I have no clue what my deal is. Am I sabotaging myself? I'm really afraid that I am going to have a gain on this scale this week, and part of me hopes that I do. Maybe if I do have a gain this week, it will kick my butt back into gear. At the very very least I have got to get back on track with the C25K program. I got my running shoes almost a week ago, and I've only run with them once. I have to get back on track. There is no way around it. I'm trying to run a marathon in a little over a year! It's not going to happen, unless I really focus.

I know I've inspired several people, and that means so so much to me. I thought that would be enough to keep me going without stopping. I think it still is. I'm not only doing this for me anymore, I'm doing it for the people that are doing this with me. I can't fail. There's no way around it. Still, I'm scared. I'm scared of failure and so much more. It's so real. I have to get my mojo back. I don't have a choice.

This is a re-commitment. Tomorrow, I'm getting back on board. Better exercising, running, and eating. A better me. Hold me to it people.

I Want It So Bad!!!

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I went with Keisha, Mom, and Keisha's friend Melissa to David's Bridal. Keisha and Melissa are both getting married, so we went looking for their wedding dresses. We saw so many pretty dresses. Both brides looked amazing in everything they tried on, and each found THE dress. I was so much fun watching my little sister in wedding dresses. AHHH! My little sister is really getting married, it's crazy. I am honored to be Keisha's maid of honor and can't wait to stand up beside her on that day. Keisha found a few dresses that she loves for the bridesmaid dresses. They are beautiful, but they are dresses that will only flatter certain figures. In my current state, I would not look good in any of them.

This morning while I was on the treadmill, I lost it. I broke down into tears, because I want this so bad! I kept picturing my sister in the dress she's going to get married in, and the dresses that she wants her bridesmaids to wear. I'm so afraid of failure. Afraid that I'm not going to make it. It's not only about the marathon anymore, it's also about the wedding in October of 2011, that I want to look stunning in. I want it to be the first wedding that I've been in that I actually look good in. I know it sounds incredibly vain, and I don't mean it to be, but I am still incredibly insecure. Even with the confidence I have gained lately, I'm still scared.

Working-out is something that has just become part of my routine. I don't pick and choose when I work-out and when I don't. I work-out everyday, with Sundays being my only rest day, usually. I feel guilty when I don't work-out, or even when I work-out but not as hard as usual. This week though was harder. I don't know why. I worked out, but most days it wasn't nearly as much of a work-out as I usually do. It's getting harder to stay motivated, especially when I don't have the proper shoes yet and my feet and calves hurt like they do.

I have been so positive on this journey up until now. I still am, but the fear is setting in. The fear of not being able to run the marathon, the fear of not wearing the dress that I am wanted to wear, the fear of never finding Mr. Right, the fear that I will never get this weight off. I am trying to stay upbeat and positive, but it's getting more difficult. I don't know why this week was so much harder, but it scares me. I want and need this so bad, and I know that I can do it, I just wish I believed and trusted myself more.

I Feel GRRRREAT!

I do! It's absolutely amazing what a good work-out will do for you. Earlier today I had no motivation to work-out. I did not want to do anything. So, I posted it on twitter and facebook, and so many of my friends and family pushed me, and I so I did it. Now, I feel incredible.

I love using twitter and facebook to keep me motivated. I love getting friends and family members involved with what I'm doing, because it motivates me. It's weird though, through all of my posting about work-outs and C25K training and everything, people are telling me they are motivated by me and what I'm doing. It's such a great feeling. I really makes me aware of what I'm doing.

Usually when I get into a work-out and eating right habit, I lose focus at some point, whether it's a few weeks or a few months. This time though it's different. I've got people looking up to me, so I can't fail this time. This time, I'm not just letting myself down. I would be letting a lot of people down. They inspire me to keep going. Thanks to everyone who has said anything to me about my journey, our journey. It means the world to me.

It's so surreal to think that this time next year, I will be training for an actual marathon. I've been trying to picture myself thinner and in great shape. It's hard though, I've never been thin or in shape. I can't wait to see what next year brings. My birthday is on January 29, so I'm hoping that by my birthday next year, I will have lost at least 100 pounds. I know I can do it. I'm actually proud of myself and if feels really good.

Off to make dinner. Baked Tilapia with lemon pepper, and maybe some rice and veggies. Yum!

I'm the motivator?....Wait, What???

This week has been awesome! I've been working out like a beast, only one rest day since the 1/1. The C25k is definitely getting easier, though I know it's still very early in the challenge. I've had several family members and friends telling me that I'm getting them motivated. That feels amazing, so incredible! I can't even fathom how I became the motivator instead of the motivatee. It's just one more reason I CAN'T fail this time. I CAN'T give up. I've motivated people other than myself, and it absolutely feels so good. Thanks to everyone who has helped motivate me. I'm so ready to finally do this and I know I will.

I want to thank everyone who has said they want to run this with me. It means the world to me. If there is anyone else who wants to face this challenge, I challenge you to join us. It will be an incredibly rewarding experience.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Couch to 5k

So, www.coolrunning.com, has a Couch to 5K program. It is a nine week program designed to get non-runners to be runners and just to get people in shape. I start today. I don't have proper running shoes yet, but oh well. My feet will probably hurt, but I don't care. I'm ready. My inner me has had its transformation, now, it's time for the outer me. I'm done with the old me, she's gone. Today I set out to reach my goals and conquer them. By May, I WILL be running 5K's. So again, I'm calling on you. Hold me accountable. Please and thank you. I would love a running buddy if anyone is interested. Thanks.

Jayna


P.S. Job 8:21, "He will fill your mouths with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." My BUMC small group adopted this verse as our motto. It is now my life motto.

Hello, My Name Is....Renewed

BreakThru 2010, was, as always, phenomenal. This year though, it was different, for me. It was great, and it is a wonderful way to ring in the new year. The Holy Spirit was at work in so many ways, and I could see it in everyone. I was in tears every at least every evening session, mainly because I could see what God is doing in so many lives. The speaker was awesome, and the band, Dutton, was incredible, like they were last year. Witnessing so many youth, adults, college students, and youth workers praising God with so much emotion is a site that I never forget.

The theme this year was "Hello, My Name Is." It was about the labels and names we give ourselves and each other, the words that define who we are. In 2009 my names were, depressed, selfish, low self-esteem, fat, self pity, and so many more, but a couple of weeks ago, it changed.

If you've read my past couple of posts about weight loss and goals that I've set for myself, this is how it happened.

In one sleepless night, my life changed. It was just one of those nights when my brain wouldn't shut off and I couldn't sleep. It was recently after The Biggest Loser finale, so I was thinking a lot about my weight and my life, and just changing it. Changing everything. So I prayed. I don't remember every thought I had, but I just know that when I woke up that morning, I was different. I was renewed. I had a confidence that I don't remember ever having. I loved myself and who I was and am. That's when I promised myself that January 1, 2010, was going to be the true restart of my life. I am making no resolutions, I am just starting all over.

That's why I was so excited for BreakThru 2010. It was an amazing jumpstart to the restart of my life. It was different though. I was expecting to come home feeling all of these amazing things, and I did, but most of them, I was feeling before I even left. That is a great feeling in and of itself. The names for myself 2010 are and will continue to be, renewed, revived, happy, loved, and loving.

So today is a new day, a new year, and an official new me. However, I can't do this on my own. I need help and I have help in God. I believe though, that God has put people in my life for a reason. So here it is, I'm calling on you to help me. Hold me accountable in my life, in every aspect. If you need help with something, I'm here. God has put me in your life for a reason too.