Beautiful Sisters, will you help me???

Ok, so I am officially pledging that 2010 is going to be a life changing year. I AM going to get in shape. In my previous post, I stated that if I have achieved my goal and get in the proper shape, I would like to run the Country Music Marathon in April of 2011. This is a huge goal and one that I plan on achieving.

What I would absolutely love is if there are some of my sisters that would be interested in doing this with me. Whether you are already a runner or not, I think this would be an awesome thing to do together, and train together if close by. I know it would give me such a sense of accomplishment and to be able to do it with my sisters would make it even more rewarding. Anywho, if you would at least think about it and get back to me, it would be greatly appreciated. Love you all so much!!! Love, Honor, Truth.

In Our Bond,

Jayna

Change...for real this time.

Over the past couple days, well always, but especially the last couple days, I have been thinking about what I truly want and need out of my life. I realized that nearly everything starts with one thing. Confidence. In order to be the person I want to be, I need have confidence in the person I already am. This has always been a huge obstacle in my path, and I'm sure it still will be for a long time, but I am so ready to conquer it. I'm ready to set goals for myself and make them happen. I'm kind of happy these thoughts are starting at this point in the year, because a new one is right around the corner and I can and will start fresh.

Since I was in second grade (2nd!) the doctors have been telling me to lose weight. I'm ashamed. I always have been, but not anymore. Being overweight for so long has been awful for my health, but honestly, it's made me the person I am today. Now that I've realized all of this, I'm ready to put it behind me and start new.

My first order of business is to get in shape, and I mean it this time!! I have to do it. I have to do it for my present self and my future self. I want to do the things I've always wanted to and not be embarrassed! I want to set reachable goals. I want to go hiking, kayaking, and maybe even skydiving. I want to get married and have kids, without having a ton of risks because of my health. I want to run a marathon.

Which brings me to my second order of business. This is a huge deal for me. In April of 2011, I want to run the Country Music Marathon. I've been thinking about wanting to run a marathon for a while. My hope is that it will be the final obstacle in becoming who I truly want to be.

Now. I need your help. I need family and friends to hold me accountable for everything I've mentioned. I would love it if one person or multiple people would join me in embarking on this part of my journey. Help me and I will do what I can to help you. Join with me in attempting to be ready for the marathon and running it with me when I succeed. I'm so ready for change, and I can feel it within me.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. I used a different shampoo and conditioner and my hair smells like Fruity Pebbles. I kind of like it. : D

Thankful

I'm am blessed beyond measure. Even when times are tough, and am treading in deep water, I know that I'm blessed. Here are a lot of the things I am thankful for.

My Lord and Savior
My amazing family
My fantastic friends
My pets
Laughter
Smiles
Music
Nature
Creativity
Art (in every form)
Education (of all types)
Dreaming
A roof over my head
Food on the table
Technology


and soooooo much more......

My Life's Fight

I watch the Biggest Loser every season. Every season, I say "This is it, I'm done." It never happens. I cry pretty much every episode, some because of the stories, mostly because I usually identify with most of the contestants in one way or another. This week was the makeover episode, which is the episode I usually cry most. I want that so bad. I want to transform my outside to reflect the inside. I want to feel really good about myself.

This week, Rebecca was the contestant eliminated. She is the one I identify most with, I think over all the seasons. She is young, around the same weight, been overweight since she was a child, and she's always been called "a pretty face." We have pretty much all of those factors in common.

Most of my friends and family have always told me that I'm gorgeous, or I have a really pretty face. I really appreciate them saying that, and it usually makes me feel good, but I really don't want to hear it anymore. I'm more than that, so much more, and I really want my appearance to reflect that. I want to care more about how I eat, look, and present myself to others. I'm not saying I'm going to be vain about it all, but I want to look at it from a different perspective.

I want to lose weight. I want to go on dates. I want to go shopping and not be afraid of trying on clothes. I want to borrow clothes from friends. I want to stop buying my sister the clothes that I want to wear for myself. I want to be more that the pretty face. I want to be me. I want my life.

I need to change. I need to eat healthy. I need to exercise. I need to be stronger. I need to be confident. I need willpower. I need to dream big. I need to be healthy. I need to be me, and I really feel like my weight has held me back from doing just that, being me.

I have to fight for my life.

This post is not meant to be sad or dramatic. It's supposed to be an inspiration, for myself at the very least.

Apology

I just want to apologize for most of my previous posts. I am done having a pity party for myself and being a debbie downer all the time. Sure I am going through some rough stuff, but there are people out there that have it a lot worse than I do. Hopefully, when I blog from now on, it will be on a subject that is productive and positive, though I won't make any promises. I have to start the changes that I need to make. Only I, with God's help, can make my life go in the direction it needs. I just have to rely on Him, and I know everything will be ok, even if it does take awhile to get me there. Thanks for listening.

Heart and Head are full.

Warning: Potential rambling to follow. Lots of different subjects on my mind.

First off, can I just say that being an Aunt is the best thing in my world right now? I got to hang-out with Pax tonight, while Amanda is having a well-deserved night out. He is one of the smartest, most adorable kids I have had the pleasure of baby-sitting, and I'm not just saying that because he's my nephew. It unbelievable how well Pax knows how to use an Iphone. He can do it just about as well as I can, minus the typing stuff. He also loves sleep, so he doesn't put up a fuss about bedtime. He is usually telling me when it's time for night-night. I love this kid, so much.

I have actually had a pretty decent week. Take work out of the equation, and it equals an awesome week. I've actually had a semi-social week, which is good, considering I'm usually hanging-out with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I'm almost 23 and I need to get out more than I do. Anywho, Wednesday night I saw Justin Nozuka at Mercy Lounge in Nashville. The show was phenomenal, like last time. This guy puts so much soul and passion into his music. He's amazing, truly a gift to the music world in both his music and lyrics. Last night I went to Sanctuary at Woodmont Hills Church in Nashville. It was really cool. My friend Michael is in the band and has invited me to go, so I finally went. It was an hour of lifting up our voices to God and it was awesome. And then tonight, I watched Pax, which is ending the week up great.

I've had the opportunity this week, to really pay attention to people and their passions. It's really inspiring to watch people do what they love, and put everything in it. I get so inspired, and I want to do what I love, but I'm not sure that I know what that is yet. It really sucks. Not knowing. I think I know what one of my passions will be, when I get to that point in my life. I can't wait to be a wife and a mom, and just take care of those people around me. I love to take care of friends and family that are close to me. There's something else out there for me though. I just have to figure out what in the world it is. I hold myself back from so much that I know I could do, because I have no confidence in myself. I don't pay attention to what others tell me, it's just difficult to accept something about yourself, that you can't see.

My heart is so heavy, just waiting for my life to truly start. I think the thing that has always held me back more than anything, is my weight. It is always there in the back of my head. It holds me back from everything. I know that if I were in shape, I would be so much more outdoorsy. I love the outdoors and going on walks and doing all of that, but it's hard. I have next to no willpower, and I don't feel like I have the support needed from my friends and family. I'm embarassed even to work-out with most people, besides a select few. At home, I feel like I am completely alone. We've all been saying for years that we're going to eat right and exercise, but it has never happened. Sometimes, I will do pretty well for a few weeks, but then I fall right back down again. It's so maddening. I feel like my weight holds me back from jobs, and tips when I'm waiting tables, and definitley guys.

I am almost 23 years old, and I have never been on a date. I've never been in a relationship, I've never held hands, and I've never been kissed. It sucks. I know that it will be worth it someday, but right now, it sucks. I am a complete hopeless romantic. I feel like nobody will ever pay attention to me in that way until I lose 100 + pounds. I am lucky in the fact that I have known some really great guys, some of which are really great friends. But that's all they will be. I am catch. However, no one knows that, because they won't look past my weight.

I know in the end, it all makes me stronger and makes me the person I am today, but going through it all really gets tiring.

Crossroads

Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The series that we started tonight in Grow Groups is called crossroads. Tonight, we talked about letting go of the past. I feel like this topic is as much for me as it is for my girls, maybe more. For the past two and a half years I have struggled constantly with my choice to leave Lambuth. My two years at Lambuth were not a mistake, I was supposed to be there, but early in my sophomore year something felt wrong. It's difficult for me to explain, but it just didn't feel as 'right' as it did my freshman year. I had some awesome things going in my sophomore year, my internship, my sorority and my Little (she kept me sane that year), better classes, amazing friendships, it should've been an even better year. But it wasn't.

For some reason I can't seem to get past it. There have been different times that I thought I was past it, usually every couple of months, but then it comes right back to the front of my mind. One thing that keeps me going though, is my Grow Group.

If I hadn't left Lambuth when I did, I wouldn't be a GGL. I wouldn't be able to spend an hour a week, with an amazing group of ninth grade girls. These girls are the highlight of my week. I've thought how much I would love to go spend a few months or a year in another place, out-of-state or something, and now would be the time to do it, if I could get it together. But I can't. It's not because of family either, though I would miss them dearly. I am supposed to be a GGL with these girls. It is one of the few things that I am certain about at this point in my life. These girls keep me going, and I love getting to hang-out with them. I love helping them grow in their faith, as they help me grow in mine.

Unfulfilled

The drive home from work tonight was gorgeous. The skies were blue, the sun was out, the temperature was perfect. It would've been the perfect evening to go to the park or go for a walk, just to be outside. Unfortunately, I never do any of these things, because I don't have anyone to do them with and I want to be able to do them with someone. I'm not just talking about my lack of a significant other, though that would be nice, but just a good friend in general, just to do stuff with. I have a few good friends and I love the time I get to spend with them. I feel like I am in that in between place in my life where some of my friends are still in school, some of them have real jobs, some of them are married, and most of them live at least half an hour away. I just have this void in my life that leaves me feeling half-empty. I hate saying that. I have an amazing family and good friends, and I have a good relationship with God. Not great, but good, though I want it to be so much more. I just need someone to really talk to.

I feel so unfulfilled in not just the social aspect of my life, but in my job and education. Serving in a restaurant is not for me, at all. I need somewhere that I can express myself, be creative, an outlet to just be me. I feel like waiting tables is making my brain turn to mush.I want to do something more. I want to go back to school, but I owe so much money to my old school, that I can't get my transcript sent anywhere else. I have so many bills I can't pay.

I feel so trapped in my life. It's a love/hate relationship. I know that everything I have, am, and will go through will make me stronger, but it is hard to see the light when everything looks so bleak right now.

Here I go again, selfish again. Taking everything I have for granted. So many people have so much less. I just need to be more thankful for what I have.

The Sweetest Thing

I can't believe that Pax will be two years old on Sunday! The time has flown so fast since the day I was crying in the kitchen at work, because I had a nephew! Pax has seriously been a blessing in my life, and in everyone's that he meets. He knows how to put a smile on my face like no one else, and can always brighten even the worst days. He is incredibly entertaining, whether he is going "bump,bump" with his cars over the wrinkles in the furniture, or leaf-blowing the entire house. My favorite time though, is after dinner, when he is starting to wind down. Usually when I watch him at night, he starts to get cuddly and will climb up on my lap and just lay back. I love it because it's a time when I just get to wrap my arms around him and hold him for a few minutes. It's the sweetest thing.

Selfish

Friday morning, my good friend from work was dropped off at the airport by her dad. She was going to visit her boyfriend who is in school in Ohio. Friday night her dad had a stroke and passed away. This rocked me to my core. This girl is so sweet and amazing, and in an instant her life was changed forever.

It just puts into perspective everything we take for granted in this life. I have a roof over my head, an unbelievably amazing family, great friends, a job, and food. You'd think that's all we would need. But no, we always want more. Why are we so unsatisfied with the great things we already have? We always want latest gadgets and gizmos that make life easier. A lot of us already have everything that SHOULD make life easy enough.

There are people in this world that have so much less than I do, yet a lot of times, it seems like they're the ones that are happier and that are giving back more than I ever have.

God has blessed me so immensely, yet I fail to appreciate it most of the time. I hope and I pray that I cannot and will not take for granted everything He has given me.

Please keep the Ledford family in your prayers. Spencer is a dear friend, and she is going through a rough time with the sudden loss of her father.

Falling into the funk again....

Over the past few weeks, I had felt so much better about everything in my life. I owe that to Trinity church and our Pastor, Rev. Mack Strange. It is an awesome community that I love being apart of. My bills and all troubles I've had with my job and money, and everything, was in the background where it should be. I was finally believing in myself and started losing weight, and just handing everything over to God. It felt amazing. My heart was open and I was completely okay with who I was.

Now just a little bit later, I feel everything falling apart again. I can't explain it. The root of it is my job. I wait tables, and I just can't do it anymore. I get angry and become someone I'm not. I say words I don't usually say, I lose patience with co-workers, and just get frustrated with every aspect of it. Patience has always been one my strong characteristics, but I find myself just losing it lately. One of my co-workers told me that she had noticed, "Jayna's getting back into that funk again." That really lets me know something's wrong.

With this person that I really do not like embodying me, it's made my eating habits go right back to where they were. Maybe not as bad, but too close for comfort. I had lost eight pounds as of last week, which isn't much, but it's a good start. I don't want that weight back.

I have so many life changes that I am trying to make, weight, job, future, and many more. I can't let this 'funk' go any further. I have to stop it now, but it's so difficult when things like the job that I hate, are weighing me down.

I have a small group of ninth grade girls in the BUMC youth group. Those girls are the highlight of week, and I have more fun in the hour I spend with them on a Sunday night, than any other time during the week. I feel guilty when I start feeling like this, because I question the type of role model I am for these girls. How am I supposed to help them grow in their faith, when I struggle so much with mine?

Anyways, I guess this is all for now. Hopefully, my next blog will be a happier one.