I'm am blessed beyond measure. Even when times are tough, and am treading in deep water, I know that I'm blessed. Here are a lot of the things I am thankful for.
My Lord and Savior
My amazing family
My fantastic friends
My pets
Laughter
Smiles
Music
Nature
Creativity
Art (in every form)
Education (of all types)
Dreaming
A roof over my head
Food on the table
Technology
and soooooo much more......
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
My Life's Fight
I watch the Biggest Loser every season. Every season, I say "This is it, I'm done." It never happens. I cry pretty much every episode, some because of the stories, mostly because I usually identify with most of the contestants in one way or another. This week was the makeover episode, which is the episode I usually cry most. I want that so bad. I want to transform my outside to reflect the inside. I want to feel really good about myself.
This week, Rebecca was the contestant eliminated. She is the one I identify most with, I think over all the seasons. She is young, around the same weight, been overweight since she was a child, and she's always been called "a pretty face." We have pretty much all of those factors in common.
Most of my friends and family have always told me that I'm gorgeous, or I have a really pretty face. I really appreciate them saying that, and it usually makes me feel good, but I really don't want to hear it anymore. I'm more than that, so much more, and I really want my appearance to reflect that. I want to care more about how I eat, look, and present myself to others. I'm not saying I'm going to be vain about it all, but I want to look at it from a different perspective.
I want to lose weight. I want to go on dates. I want to go shopping and not be afraid of trying on clothes. I want to borrow clothes from friends. I want to stop buying my sister the clothes that I want to wear for myself. I want to be more that the pretty face. I want to be me. I want my life.
I need to change. I need to eat healthy. I need to exercise. I need to be stronger. I need to be confident. I need willpower. I need to dream big. I need to be healthy. I need to be me, and I really feel like my weight has held me back from doing just that, being me.
I have to fight for my life.
This post is not meant to be sad or dramatic. It's supposed to be an inspiration, for myself at the very least.
This week, Rebecca was the contestant eliminated. She is the one I identify most with, I think over all the seasons. She is young, around the same weight, been overweight since she was a child, and she's always been called "a pretty face." We have pretty much all of those factors in common.
Most of my friends and family have always told me that I'm gorgeous, or I have a really pretty face. I really appreciate them saying that, and it usually makes me feel good, but I really don't want to hear it anymore. I'm more than that, so much more, and I really want my appearance to reflect that. I want to care more about how I eat, look, and present myself to others. I'm not saying I'm going to be vain about it all, but I want to look at it from a different perspective.
I want to lose weight. I want to go on dates. I want to go shopping and not be afraid of trying on clothes. I want to borrow clothes from friends. I want to stop buying my sister the clothes that I want to wear for myself. I want to be more that the pretty face. I want to be me. I want my life.
I need to change. I need to eat healthy. I need to exercise. I need to be stronger. I need to be confident. I need willpower. I need to dream big. I need to be healthy. I need to be me, and I really feel like my weight has held me back from doing just that, being me.
I have to fight for my life.
This post is not meant to be sad or dramatic. It's supposed to be an inspiration, for myself at the very least.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Apology
I just want to apologize for most of my previous posts. I am done having a pity party for myself and being a debbie downer all the time. Sure I am going through some rough stuff, but there are people out there that have it a lot worse than I do. Hopefully, when I blog from now on, it will be on a subject that is productive and positive, though I won't make any promises. I have to start the changes that I need to make. Only I, with God's help, can make my life go in the direction it needs. I just have to rely on Him, and I know everything will be ok, even if it does take awhile to get me there. Thanks for listening.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Heart and Head are full.
Warning: Potential rambling to follow. Lots of different subjects on my mind.
First off, can I just say that being an Aunt is the best thing in my world right now? I got to hang-out with Pax tonight, while Amanda is having a well-deserved night out. He is one of the smartest, most adorable kids I have had the pleasure of baby-sitting, and I'm not just saying that because he's my nephew. It unbelievable how well Pax knows how to use an Iphone. He can do it just about as well as I can, minus the typing stuff. He also loves sleep, so he doesn't put up a fuss about bedtime. He is usually telling me when it's time for night-night. I love this kid, so much.
I have actually had a pretty decent week. Take work out of the equation, and it equals an awesome week. I've actually had a semi-social week, which is good, considering I'm usually hanging-out with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I'm almost 23 and I need to get out more than I do. Anywho, Wednesday night I saw Justin Nozuka at Mercy Lounge in Nashville. The show was phenomenal, like last time. This guy puts so much soul and passion into his music. He's amazing, truly a gift to the music world in both his music and lyrics. Last night I went to Sanctuary at Woodmont Hills Church in Nashville. It was really cool. My friend Michael is in the band and has invited me to go, so I finally went. It was an hour of lifting up our voices to God and it was awesome. And then tonight, I watched Pax, which is ending the week up great.
I've had the opportunity this week, to really pay attention to people and their passions. It's really inspiring to watch people do what they love, and put everything in it. I get so inspired, and I want to do what I love, but I'm not sure that I know what that is yet. It really sucks. Not knowing. I think I know what one of my passions will be, when I get to that point in my life. I can't wait to be a wife and a mom, and just take care of those people around me. I love to take care of friends and family that are close to me. There's something else out there for me though. I just have to figure out what in the world it is. I hold myself back from so much that I know I could do, because I have no confidence in myself. I don't pay attention to what others tell me, it's just difficult to accept something about yourself, that you can't see.
My heart is so heavy, just waiting for my life to truly start. I think the thing that has always held me back more than anything, is my weight. It is always there in the back of my head. It holds me back from everything. I know that if I were in shape, I would be so much more outdoorsy. I love the outdoors and going on walks and doing all of that, but it's hard. I have next to no willpower, and I don't feel like I have the support needed from my friends and family. I'm embarassed even to work-out with most people, besides a select few. At home, I feel like I am completely alone. We've all been saying for years that we're going to eat right and exercise, but it has never happened. Sometimes, I will do pretty well for a few weeks, but then I fall right back down again. It's so maddening. I feel like my weight holds me back from jobs, and tips when I'm waiting tables, and definitley guys.
I am almost 23 years old, and I have never been on a date. I've never been in a relationship, I've never held hands, and I've never been kissed. It sucks. I know that it will be worth it someday, but right now, it sucks. I am a complete hopeless romantic. I feel like nobody will ever pay attention to me in that way until I lose 100 + pounds. I am lucky in the fact that I have known some really great guys, some of which are really great friends. But that's all they will be. I am catch. However, no one knows that, because they won't look past my weight.
I know in the end, it all makes me stronger and makes me the person I am today, but going through it all really gets tiring.
First off, can I just say that being an Aunt is the best thing in my world right now? I got to hang-out with Pax tonight, while Amanda is having a well-deserved night out. He is one of the smartest, most adorable kids I have had the pleasure of baby-sitting, and I'm not just saying that because he's my nephew. It unbelievable how well Pax knows how to use an Iphone. He can do it just about as well as I can, minus the typing stuff. He also loves sleep, so he doesn't put up a fuss about bedtime. He is usually telling me when it's time for night-night. I love this kid, so much.
I have actually had a pretty decent week. Take work out of the equation, and it equals an awesome week. I've actually had a semi-social week, which is good, considering I'm usually hanging-out with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I'm almost 23 and I need to get out more than I do. Anywho, Wednesday night I saw Justin Nozuka at Mercy Lounge in Nashville. The show was phenomenal, like last time. This guy puts so much soul and passion into his music. He's amazing, truly a gift to the music world in both his music and lyrics. Last night I went to Sanctuary at Woodmont Hills Church in Nashville. It was really cool. My friend Michael is in the band and has invited me to go, so I finally went. It was an hour of lifting up our voices to God and it was awesome. And then tonight, I watched Pax, which is ending the week up great.
I've had the opportunity this week, to really pay attention to people and their passions. It's really inspiring to watch people do what they love, and put everything in it. I get so inspired, and I want to do what I love, but I'm not sure that I know what that is yet. It really sucks. Not knowing. I think I know what one of my passions will be, when I get to that point in my life. I can't wait to be a wife and a mom, and just take care of those people around me. I love to take care of friends and family that are close to me. There's something else out there for me though. I just have to figure out what in the world it is. I hold myself back from so much that I know I could do, because I have no confidence in myself. I don't pay attention to what others tell me, it's just difficult to accept something about yourself, that you can't see.
My heart is so heavy, just waiting for my life to truly start. I think the thing that has always held me back more than anything, is my weight. It is always there in the back of my head. It holds me back from everything. I know that if I were in shape, I would be so much more outdoorsy. I love the outdoors and going on walks and doing all of that, but it's hard. I have next to no willpower, and I don't feel like I have the support needed from my friends and family. I'm embarassed even to work-out with most people, besides a select few. At home, I feel like I am completely alone. We've all been saying for years that we're going to eat right and exercise, but it has never happened. Sometimes, I will do pretty well for a few weeks, but then I fall right back down again. It's so maddening. I feel like my weight holds me back from jobs, and tips when I'm waiting tables, and definitley guys.
I am almost 23 years old, and I have never been on a date. I've never been in a relationship, I've never held hands, and I've never been kissed. It sucks. I know that it will be worth it someday, but right now, it sucks. I am a complete hopeless romantic. I feel like nobody will ever pay attention to me in that way until I lose 100 + pounds. I am lucky in the fact that I have known some really great guys, some of which are really great friends. But that's all they will be. I am catch. However, no one knows that, because they won't look past my weight.
I know in the end, it all makes me stronger and makes me the person I am today, but going through it all really gets tiring.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Crossroads
Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
The series that we started tonight in Grow Groups is called crossroads. Tonight, we talked about letting go of the past. I feel like this topic is as much for me as it is for my girls, maybe more. For the past two and a half years I have struggled constantly with my choice to leave Lambuth. My two years at Lambuth were not a mistake, I was supposed to be there, but early in my sophomore year something felt wrong. It's difficult for me to explain, but it just didn't feel as 'right' as it did my freshman year. I had some awesome things going in my sophomore year, my internship, my sorority and my Little (she kept me sane that year), better classes, amazing friendships, it should've been an even better year. But it wasn't.
For some reason I can't seem to get past it. There have been different times that I thought I was past it, usually every couple of months, but then it comes right back to the front of my mind. One thing that keeps me going though, is my Grow Group.
If I hadn't left Lambuth when I did, I wouldn't be a GGL. I wouldn't be able to spend an hour a week, with an amazing group of ninth grade girls. These girls are the highlight of my week. I've thought how much I would love to go spend a few months or a year in another place, out-of-state or something, and now would be the time to do it, if I could get it together. But I can't. It's not because of family either, though I would miss them dearly. I am supposed to be a GGL with these girls. It is one of the few things that I am certain about at this point in my life. These girls keep me going, and I love getting to hang-out with them. I love helping them grow in their faith, as they help me grow in mine.
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
The series that we started tonight in Grow Groups is called crossroads. Tonight, we talked about letting go of the past. I feel like this topic is as much for me as it is for my girls, maybe more. For the past two and a half years I have struggled constantly with my choice to leave Lambuth. My two years at Lambuth were not a mistake, I was supposed to be there, but early in my sophomore year something felt wrong. It's difficult for me to explain, but it just didn't feel as 'right' as it did my freshman year. I had some awesome things going in my sophomore year, my internship, my sorority and my Little (she kept me sane that year), better classes, amazing friendships, it should've been an even better year. But it wasn't.
For some reason I can't seem to get past it. There have been different times that I thought I was past it, usually every couple of months, but then it comes right back to the front of my mind. One thing that keeps me going though, is my Grow Group.
If I hadn't left Lambuth when I did, I wouldn't be a GGL. I wouldn't be able to spend an hour a week, with an amazing group of ninth grade girls. These girls are the highlight of my week. I've thought how much I would love to go spend a few months or a year in another place, out-of-state or something, and now would be the time to do it, if I could get it together. But I can't. It's not because of family either, though I would miss them dearly. I am supposed to be a GGL with these girls. It is one of the few things that I am certain about at this point in my life. These girls keep me going, and I love getting to hang-out with them. I love helping them grow in their faith, as they help me grow in mine.
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