Warning: Potential rambling to follow. Lots of different subjects on my mind.
First off, can I just say that being an Aunt is the best thing in my world right now? I got to hang-out with Pax tonight, while Amanda is having a well-deserved night out. He is one of the smartest, most adorable kids I have had the pleasure of baby-sitting, and I'm not just saying that because he's my nephew. It unbelievable how well Pax knows how to use an Iphone. He can do it just about as well as I can, minus the typing stuff. He also loves sleep, so he doesn't put up a fuss about bedtime. He is usually telling me when it's time for night-night. I love this kid, so much.
I have actually had a pretty decent week. Take work out of the equation, and it equals an awesome week. I've actually had a semi-social week, which is good, considering I'm usually hanging-out with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I'm almost 23 and I need to get out more than I do. Anywho, Wednesday night I saw Justin Nozuka at Mercy Lounge in Nashville. The show was phenomenal, like last time. This guy puts so much soul and passion into his music. He's amazing, truly a gift to the music world in both his music and lyrics. Last night I went to Sanctuary at Woodmont Hills Church in Nashville. It was really cool. My friend Michael is in the band and has invited me to go, so I finally went. It was an hour of lifting up our voices to God and it was awesome. And then tonight, I watched Pax, which is ending the week up great.
I've had the opportunity this week, to really pay attention to people and their passions. It's really inspiring to watch people do what they love, and put everything in it. I get so inspired, and I want to do what I love, but I'm not sure that I know what that is yet. It really sucks. Not knowing. I think I know what one of my passions will be, when I get to that point in my life. I can't wait to be a wife and a mom, and just take care of those people around me. I love to take care of friends and family that are close to me. There's something else out there for me though. I just have to figure out what in the world it is. I hold myself back from so much that I know I could do, because I have no confidence in myself. I don't pay attention to what others tell me, it's just difficult to accept something about yourself, that you can't see.
My heart is so heavy, just waiting for my life to truly start. I think the thing that has always held me back more than anything, is my weight. It is always there in the back of my head. It holds me back from everything. I know that if I were in shape, I would be so much more outdoorsy. I love the outdoors and going on walks and doing all of that, but it's hard. I have next to no willpower, and I don't feel like I have the support needed from my friends and family. I'm embarassed even to work-out with most people, besides a select few. At home, I feel like I am completely alone. We've all been saying for years that we're going to eat right and exercise, but it has never happened. Sometimes, I will do pretty well for a few weeks, but then I fall right back down again. It's so maddening. I feel like my weight holds me back from jobs, and tips when I'm waiting tables, and definitley guys.
I am almost 23 years old, and I have never been on a date. I've never been in a relationship, I've never held hands, and I've never been kissed. It sucks. I know that it will be worth it someday, but right now, it sucks. I am a complete hopeless romantic. I feel like nobody will ever pay attention to me in that way until I lose 100 + pounds. I am lucky in the fact that I have known some really great guys, some of which are really great friends. But that's all they will be. I am catch. However, no one knows that, because they won't look past my weight.
I know in the end, it all makes me stronger and makes me the person I am today, but going through it all really gets tiring.
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