Weird...

Tonight, I don't know how to describe my mood. It's weird. Not happy, not sad, maybe somewhere in between? I don't know. I've got lots of things swirling around in my brain, and I don't know if I'm depressed or what.

I started my day with the C25K W3D1. It kind of sucked. I knew it would get to this point, where it wasn't as simple and easy as the last two weeks of the program have been. I didn't have trouble where I thought I would though. It wasn't my breathing, like it was when I first did the program. My legs started cramping pretty early. I'm guessing it's because I've lost muscle in calves maybe. When I first started the program, I had only been away from TGIFridays for about a month. My jobs since then, have not required me to be on my feet the entire time. Not that I remain seated all the time, but I am definitely not on my feet as much as I was. I also have not been doing anything on the in between days. When I did the program the first time, I was also doing other workouts the days I didn't run, that included lots of leg work. It's probably a combination of multiple things. Maybe my head hasn't been in the game as much. Who knows.

I did get to hangout with Pax and Asher today. Those boys are definitely the bright spots in my day, week, life. No matter what mood I'm in, those boys put a smile on my face.

I'm having doubts about what my life is supposed to become. I want to be this awesome wedding planner, but in the back of my head, is that really what I want? I've always got this voice that puts the doubt in so many of my decisions. Puts doubt in my actions. Makes me lose what little confidence I have in myself. Though I cannot explain it, I have a fear of success. I don't understand it, but I know that that's what it boils down to.

I know I'm having a difficult time letting go and giving the reins of my life over to God. He's made me this amazing person, yet most of the time I cannot see it. I know I have not yet come even close to living to my full potential, I'm standing in my own way.

Ok, slightly depressing. I apologize.

Grace, Peace, Love,

Jayna

I Cheated.....

.....and weighed myself early. For the last couple weeks, I have been eating better, not fantastic, but better, but I was still eating snacks and sweets. I was also not drinking as much water as I am now (about 3.5 liters a day) and I hadn't started working-out.

Monday, I re-started the C25K (for about the fifteenth time :P) and I weighed myself. Monday is also when I started cutting out sweets and snacks. I have had one snack since then, and it was a good one. Healthy, rather than unhealthy. Well, I cheated. I weighed myself 3 days early and.....I've lost 3.5 pounds!!! In 4 days!! Which means I've lost 18 pounds in 2.5 months, with a 6- month sabbatical between then and now, lol. Now, I know this is really fast, and I have to watch myself, but it's amazing what simple changes in your life can do. I had only worked out twice, on Monday and Tuesday, (would've worked out yesterday, but I gave blood Wednesday night and you're supposed to wait 24 hrs.) when I weighed myself. I did the W1D3 of C25K today. I feel great!

So I'm really excited about this 5K. It's on October 9th. That's about eight weeks from tomorrow I think, which is kind of scary. That also means that I need to stick as close to the C25K routine as possible, since it's a 9-week program and I started this week. I know I can do it, though I know it will be tough. I think I'm going to try and do it four days a week instead of 3, and hopefully that will help. Don't worry, if I feel like my body is being strained too much for the 4, than I will cut it back down to three.

Dad has also lost weight! He's lost nearly 20 pounds in 3 weeks!! He's started drinking a lot more water and cut out almost all soda. He has also had a few shifts unloading the truck at work (AutoZone), so on those days he's been lifting and moving really heavy car parts for around 10 hours a day. Even when he's not doing the truck, he may be moving parts or batteries all day, which helps a lot. Go us.

Ok, peeps. I hate to ask, wait no, I don't. It's for a great cause, Komen foundation. I have not gotten a single donation, other than my own, for the Race for the Cure. My personal goal is $125, though I would love to raise a lot more. With my donation, I only need $90 to reach it. It's 2 months away, I know I can beat this goal. I need your help! Please support me, and help me with this cause! Here's the link to my personal donation page. Thanks for your support!

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Starting Over....Again

Did anyone see the sunset tonight? It was gorgeous! So many blues and pinks.

Well, I did it. I restarted the Couch to 5k today. It sucked. Like it did the first time, but I feel good. I forgot how good I really do feel after a work-out, even a short 30 minute one. I have more energy and everything just feels right. Endorphins are a powerful thing.

I've still got a long way to go, but I'm going to make it. I think I'm finally realizing (with some help) that weight loss is not the true goal. I believe it will be a benefit of lifestyle changes that ARE happening and HAVE to happen in my life. The true goal is living my life in a way that I feel good about. Eating healthy. Staying active. Changing myself without trying to change those around me. Stop taking care of everyone around me and take care of myself for once. In order to be the person I know I can become, I have to be a little selfish and take care of me first.

Anyways, just a short one tonight. Have a spectacular evening!

Grace, Love, Peace,

Jayna

Getting in gear

It's official. I'm registered for my very first 5k race. I'm running the Komen foundation Race for the Cure, in Brentwood, on October 9th. Let's hope my niece doesn't decide to get here on that day.

I had a rough 24 hours, starting Thursday night. I had had a good night up until late that evening. I went out. I heard some good live music for a great cause. Again I'll say it, I went out. I never go out. Usually because I'm broke, but also because, well, I just don't get invited out a lot. Anywho, after I got home something set me off, and I was in tears the rest of the night. I went to bed early, my eyes tired and red. Next morning, I woke up early. I knew I was still in a funk, so I thought that I would go restart the C25K that morning, and it would help. Nope it didn't help. I have a podcast with the program on it that I listen to; I had done the warm up walk, two run/walk intervals and started on the third. During the third, the person doing the podcast is giving a peptalk, and says one phrase that ends it for me, "Don't give up on yourself." That was it. That tiny little phrase had me bawling my eyes out and jumping off the treadmill.

Now, I'm not exactly sure why it set me off the way it did (ok, so I do, they're called hormones), but the rest of the day was off after that. I cried quite a bit before work, but was able to pull it together for the rest of the day. I'm used to these meltdowns. They happen every 2-3 months, or more, and I know I was overdue for one. I bottle up a lot of emotions and hide them from everyone around me. I guess I bottle it up because my problems are minuscule compared to others in this world. I have a great family, awesome friends, and so much to be thankful for.

Anyways, got a little off track. "Don't give up on yourself." Those words just spoke to me in the middle of that interval. I can't describe how they made me feel. I just feel like I give up on myself so easily. I can do well for a little while, but then my routine gets interrupted and I quit. I don't get it. I don't know why I can't pick up the pieces and pick up where I left off.

I just feel like I'm feeling around in the dark right now. I have no clue where my life will be in a year. I have goals, and hopes for it, but whether they will amount to anything or not, it's hard to say. I have a fear that I won't feel whole, won't be happy. Right now, there is a hole in my heart, waiting for something, waiting for my life to really begin. There are things that make me happy in my life, sure, but I don't think that I am truly happy.

Anyways, my 24th birthday is in six months. I have a few goals.

1. Lose 45 pounds.

2. Have a plan for moving out on my own

3. Get the ball rolling on my Wedding Consultant Certification.

Those are just a few, but I hope and pray they are attainable. By registering for the Race for the Cure, I'm hoping that I will stay motivated, and keep working on the C25K. I want to run it, if not all then most of it. I am restarting the C25K program tomorrow, for the bazillionth time. I have to do this for myself. I need to finish something that I'm proud of.

Since I'm running the Race for the Cure, I'm also fundraising for the Komen foundation. Would love to have your support and/or donations!

I hope to blog more in the upcoming future, hopefully a couple times a week after I run, just to check in.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna