I Want It So Bad!!!

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I went with Keisha, Mom, and Keisha's friend Melissa to David's Bridal. Keisha and Melissa are both getting married, so we went looking for their wedding dresses. We saw so many pretty dresses. Both brides looked amazing in everything they tried on, and each found THE dress. I was so much fun watching my little sister in wedding dresses. AHHH! My little sister is really getting married, it's crazy. I am honored to be Keisha's maid of honor and can't wait to stand up beside her on that day. Keisha found a few dresses that she loves for the bridesmaid dresses. They are beautiful, but they are dresses that will only flatter certain figures. In my current state, I would not look good in any of them.

This morning while I was on the treadmill, I lost it. I broke down into tears, because I want this so bad! I kept picturing my sister in the dress she's going to get married in, and the dresses that she wants her bridesmaids to wear. I'm so afraid of failure. Afraid that I'm not going to make it. It's not only about the marathon anymore, it's also about the wedding in October of 2011, that I want to look stunning in. I want it to be the first wedding that I've been in that I actually look good in. I know it sounds incredibly vain, and I don't mean it to be, but I am still incredibly insecure. Even with the confidence I have gained lately, I'm still scared.

Working-out is something that has just become part of my routine. I don't pick and choose when I work-out and when I don't. I work-out everyday, with Sundays being my only rest day, usually. I feel guilty when I don't work-out, or even when I work-out but not as hard as usual. This week though was harder. I don't know why. I worked out, but most days it wasn't nearly as much of a work-out as I usually do. It's getting harder to stay motivated, especially when I don't have the proper shoes yet and my feet and calves hurt like they do.

I have been so positive on this journey up until now. I still am, but the fear is setting in. The fear of not being able to run the marathon, the fear of not wearing the dress that I am wanted to wear, the fear of never finding Mr. Right, the fear that I will never get this weight off. I am trying to stay upbeat and positive, but it's getting more difficult. I don't know why this week was so much harder, but it scares me. I want and need this so bad, and I know that I can do it, I just wish I believed and trusted myself more.

I Feel GRRRREAT!

I do! It's absolutely amazing what a good work-out will do for you. Earlier today I had no motivation to work-out. I did not want to do anything. So, I posted it on twitter and facebook, and so many of my friends and family pushed me, and I so I did it. Now, I feel incredible.

I love using twitter and facebook to keep me motivated. I love getting friends and family members involved with what I'm doing, because it motivates me. It's weird though, through all of my posting about work-outs and C25K training and everything, people are telling me they are motivated by me and what I'm doing. It's such a great feeling. I really makes me aware of what I'm doing.

Usually when I get into a work-out and eating right habit, I lose focus at some point, whether it's a few weeks or a few months. This time though it's different. I've got people looking up to me, so I can't fail this time. This time, I'm not just letting myself down. I would be letting a lot of people down. They inspire me to keep going. Thanks to everyone who has said anything to me about my journey, our journey. It means the world to me.

It's so surreal to think that this time next year, I will be training for an actual marathon. I've been trying to picture myself thinner and in great shape. It's hard though, I've never been thin or in shape. I can't wait to see what next year brings. My birthday is on January 29, so I'm hoping that by my birthday next year, I will have lost at least 100 pounds. I know I can do it. I'm actually proud of myself and if feels really good.

Off to make dinner. Baked Tilapia with lemon pepper, and maybe some rice and veggies. Yum!

I'm the motivator?....Wait, What???

This week has been awesome! I've been working out like a beast, only one rest day since the 1/1. The C25k is definitely getting easier, though I know it's still very early in the challenge. I've had several family members and friends telling me that I'm getting them motivated. That feels amazing, so incredible! I can't even fathom how I became the motivator instead of the motivatee. It's just one more reason I CAN'T fail this time. I CAN'T give up. I've motivated people other than myself, and it absolutely feels so good. Thanks to everyone who has helped motivate me. I'm so ready to finally do this and I know I will.

I want to thank everyone who has said they want to run this with me. It means the world to me. If there is anyone else who wants to face this challenge, I challenge you to join us. It will be an incredibly rewarding experience.

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jayna

Couch to 5k

So, www.coolrunning.com, has a Couch to 5K program. It is a nine week program designed to get non-runners to be runners and just to get people in shape. I start today. I don't have proper running shoes yet, but oh well. My feet will probably hurt, but I don't care. I'm ready. My inner me has had its transformation, now, it's time for the outer me. I'm done with the old me, she's gone. Today I set out to reach my goals and conquer them. By May, I WILL be running 5K's. So again, I'm calling on you. Hold me accountable. Please and thank you. I would love a running buddy if anyone is interested. Thanks.

Jayna


P.S. Job 8:21, "He will fill your mouths with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." My BUMC small group adopted this verse as our motto. It is now my life motto.

Hello, My Name Is....Renewed

BreakThru 2010, was, as always, phenomenal. This year though, it was different, for me. It was great, and it is a wonderful way to ring in the new year. The Holy Spirit was at work in so many ways, and I could see it in everyone. I was in tears every at least every evening session, mainly because I could see what God is doing in so many lives. The speaker was awesome, and the band, Dutton, was incredible, like they were last year. Witnessing so many youth, adults, college students, and youth workers praising God with so much emotion is a site that I never forget.

The theme this year was "Hello, My Name Is." It was about the labels and names we give ourselves and each other, the words that define who we are. In 2009 my names were, depressed, selfish, low self-esteem, fat, self pity, and so many more, but a couple of weeks ago, it changed.

If you've read my past couple of posts about weight loss and goals that I've set for myself, this is how it happened.

In one sleepless night, my life changed. It was just one of those nights when my brain wouldn't shut off and I couldn't sleep. It was recently after The Biggest Loser finale, so I was thinking a lot about my weight and my life, and just changing it. Changing everything. So I prayed. I don't remember every thought I had, but I just know that when I woke up that morning, I was different. I was renewed. I had a confidence that I don't remember ever having. I loved myself and who I was and am. That's when I promised myself that January 1, 2010, was going to be the true restart of my life. I am making no resolutions, I am just starting all over.

That's why I was so excited for BreakThru 2010. It was an amazing jumpstart to the restart of my life. It was different though. I was expecting to come home feeling all of these amazing things, and I did, but most of them, I was feeling before I even left. That is a great feeling in and of itself. The names for myself 2010 are and will continue to be, renewed, revived, happy, loved, and loving.

So today is a new day, a new year, and an official new me. However, I can't do this on my own. I need help and I have help in God. I believe though, that God has put people in my life for a reason. So here it is, I'm calling on you to help me. Hold me accountable in my life, in every aspect. If you need help with something, I'm here. God has put me in your life for a reason too.