Yesterday was a wonderful day. I went with Keisha, Mom, and Keisha's friend Melissa to David's Bridal. Keisha and Melissa are both getting married, so we went looking for their wedding dresses. We saw so many pretty dresses. Both brides looked amazing in everything they tried on, and each found THE dress. I was so much fun watching my little sister in wedding dresses. AHHH! My little sister is really getting married, it's crazy. I am honored to be Keisha's maid of honor and can't wait to stand up beside her on that day. Keisha found a few dresses that she loves for the bridesmaid dresses. They are beautiful, but they are dresses that will only flatter certain figures. In my current state, I would not look good in any of them.
This morning while I was on the treadmill, I lost it. I broke down into tears, because I want this so bad! I kept picturing my sister in the dress she's going to get married in, and the dresses that she wants her bridesmaids to wear. I'm so afraid of failure. Afraid that I'm not going to make it. It's not only about the marathon anymore, it's also about the wedding in October of 2011, that I want to look stunning in. I want it to be the first wedding that I've been in that I actually look good in. I know it sounds incredibly vain, and I don't mean it to be, but I am still incredibly insecure. Even with the confidence I have gained lately, I'm still scared.
Working-out is something that has just become part of my routine. I don't pick and choose when I work-out and when I don't. I work-out everyday, with Sundays being my only rest day, usually. I feel guilty when I don't work-out, or even when I work-out but not as hard as usual. This week though was harder. I don't know why. I worked out, but most days it wasn't nearly as much of a work-out as I usually do. It's getting harder to stay motivated, especially when I don't have the proper shoes yet and my feet and calves hurt like they do.
I have been so positive on this journey up until now. I still am, but the fear is setting in. The fear of not being able to run the marathon, the fear of not wearing the dress that I am wanted to wear, the fear of never finding Mr. Right, the fear that I will never get this weight off. I am trying to stay upbeat and positive, but it's getting more difficult. I don't know why this week was so much harder, but it scares me. I want and need this so bad, and I know that I can do it, I just wish I believed and trusted myself more.
Where do you live again? Amidst my dizziness, I have started strength training and cardio in the hopes of someday running again (had a terribly leg break and put on the weight since).
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel! I always had a weight issue, and eventually suffered terrible physical problems from anorexia and bulimia (when I went the OTHER way.... we are talking wearing kids clothes on a 5' 10" woman)...
I would LOVE to be somewhere in between, and it takes TONS of work on my part! More than most other people! Doesn't mean we have to give up trying, we just have to be easy on ourselves when it comes to the emotional stuff this digs up! :-)
I bought a dress for a formal dinner tonight, and was NOT happy trying on dresses. I have lymphedema from immune problems, and the swelling in my legs has gotten really bad. I have treatments for it, but that doesn't change how they look now- 4 hours before the dinner! :-(
Sorry to ramble! Wanted to let you know I understand how hard it is, and I am right there with you! :-)
Jayna, girl: I am still so proud of you! You WILL look stunning in that dress, because you will be so proud of yourself for how far you will have gotten by that point. I believe in you, and I know YOU believe in you (deep down, in there somewhere!) Your family and friends support you 136.5 %, and you'll always be beautiful to us :) Go get 'em, girl!
ReplyDeleteJayna, I know exactly how you feel. I've always had a weight problem myself, and I get those times of worrying I'll never lose it, never find THE ONE, and all that. Reading this post was a lot like reading many of my own thoughts... except for the... you know... wearing dresses part. Yeah, I don't do that.
ReplyDeleteBut I do know exactly where you're coming from, and I am right behind you! We seriously need to get together sometime and talk or work out and just... support each other.