I had a rough 24 hours, starting Thursday night. I had had a good night up until late that evening. I went out. I heard some good live music for a great cause. Again I'll say it, I went out. I never go out. Usually because I'm broke, but also because, well, I just don't get invited out a lot. Anywho, after I got home something set me off, and I was in tears the rest of the night. I went to bed early, my eyes tired and red. Next morning, I woke up early. I knew I was still in a funk, so I thought that I would go restart the C25K that morning, and it would help. Nope it didn't help. I have a podcast with the program on it that I listen to; I had done the warm up walk, two run/walk intervals and started on the third. During the third, the person doing the podcast is giving a peptalk, and says one phrase that ends it for me, "Don't give up on yourself." That was it. That tiny little phrase had me bawling my eyes out and jumping off the treadmill.
Now, I'm not exactly sure why it set me off the way it did (ok, so I do, they're called hormones), but the rest of the day was off after that. I cried quite a bit before work, but was able to pull it together for the rest of the day. I'm used to these meltdowns. They happen every 2-3 months, or more, and I know I was overdue for one. I bottle up a lot of emotions and hide them from everyone around me. I guess I bottle it up because my problems are minuscule compared to others in this world. I have a great family, awesome friends, and so much to be thankful for.
Anyways, got a little off track. "Don't give up on yourself." Those words just spoke to me in the middle of that interval. I can't describe how they made me feel. I just feel like I give up on myself so easily. I can do well for a little while, but then my routine gets interrupted and I quit. I don't get it. I don't know why I can't pick up the pieces and pick up where I left off.
I just feel like I'm feeling around in the dark right now. I have no clue where my life will be in a year. I have goals, and hopes for it, but whether they will amount to anything or not, it's hard to say. I have a fear that I won't feel whole, won't be happy. Right now, there is a hole in my heart, waiting for something, waiting for my life to really begin. There are things that make me happy in my life, sure, but I don't think that I am truly happy.
Anyways, my 24th birthday is in six months. I have a few goals.
1. Lose 45 pounds.
2. Have a plan for moving out on my own
3. Get the ball rolling on my Wedding Consultant Certification.
Those are just a few, but I hope and pray they are attainable. By registering for the Race for the Cure, I'm hoping that I will stay motivated, and keep working on the C25K. I want to run it, if not all then most of it. I am restarting the C25K program tomorrow, for the bazillionth time. I have to do this for myself. I need to finish something that I'm proud of.
Since I'm running the Race for the Cure, I'm also fundraising for the Komen foundation. Would love to have your support and/or donations!
I hope to blog more in the upcoming future, hopefully a couple times a week after I run, just to check in.
Grace, Peace, and Love,
Jayna
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